THE FRIED ROOSTER ATTACKS

There is a Russian expression that roughly translates into: “What fried rooster is biting you in the butt?” The expression refers to being in a hurry to do something that can wait, or having the urge to do something that isn’t really necessary. Well, I must admit that there are Fried Roosters chasing me. These are issues of lesser import that drive me crazy, and I simply must get them off my chest.

If you are a member of American Panthers, and have any Fried Roosters, please Email or snail-mail them to me and, space allowing, I will put them in the newsletter, and perhaps, add them to the website. Sending me your Fried Roosters may be cathartic for you and I’m sure that our other members will be interested in reading about them.

FRIED ROOSTER #1

Eliminate Daylight Savings Time

Why should every citizen have to reset all of their house clocks, their watches, their VCR’s, their microwave ovens, their car clocks, and so on, twice a year. Nobody has proven that Daylight Savings Time actually saves anybody anything. Let’s join the majority of the world, and throw out this annoying bit of idiocy.

LHS

FRIED ROOSTER #2

The English Language

As the world shrinks it becomes more important to develop a universal language so that we can communicate with each other more easily. Naturally, we expect, and hope, that language will be English and not Chinese!

English, however, is full of inconsistencies that make it a very difficult language to learn. To solve the problem, we could begin a gradual process of cleaning up our language by making small changes over a very long time. Alternatively we might introduce a more consistent version of English to the world, and let everybody learn it together, leaving our current language much as it is.

We are accustomed to the irregularities in our language and they usually don’t bother us. However, think about what a foreigner must go through to learn English. He/she must cope with rules that seem made to be broken, homophones like “right”, “rite” and “write” and weird spellings like “sure” and “know”. The list is really endless. If you know somebody that came to this country as a young adult, or later, ask them about how it is to learn our language. You may unleash more of a discussion than you expected.

FRIED ROOSTER #3

Opting Out

Banks and other institutions often sell your information to third parties unless you opt-out of their program, usually by mailing in a form. There are two things wrong with this procedure. First of all, we should not have to “opt-out” of anything. Any information that we give in order to acquire some sort of service must automatically be private and flatly against the law to disclose to almost any entity for almost any reason. (The sole exception might be the release of information to credit agencies on loan defaults. Lenders have the right to know if a potential borrower is a credit risk.) Information should remain totally private unless the individual “opts-in” to allow their information to be used.

The second problem is the way the “opt-out” agreements are worded. They actually may be ineffective in protecting the consumer. In researching this Fried Rooster, I checked out the Citibank privacy notice for my Sears Credit Card Account. I was shocked beyond belief at the deceit and obfuscation that I found.

Citibank makes a big deal out of how they keep customer information secure. Understand, however, that the customer information is their asset, and it is in their own best interest not to let it be stolen. In no way does this protect the customer from Citibank using customer information for their own benefit.

I know that privacy notices are boring, and that’s why nobody ever reads them. Please bear with me anyway as I repeat the information in the Privacy Notice that has to do with giving customer information to third parties:

Nonaffiliated Third Parties to Whom We May Disclose Personal Information

FRIED ROOSTER #4

Unwanted Solicitations

Last week a solicitation came to me by way of my FAX machine at home. Naturally, it printed on my paper with my ink. The sender seemed to think that he was doing right by me because the solicitation came with an 800 number that I could call to speak to a machine and enter my FAX number to be opted out of the program. These kinds of solicitations show unprecedented gall on the part of the sender. I’m not sure how the law reads, but they certainly should be illegal.

In fact, all unapproved in-your-face solicitations should be automatically against the law. There should never be the necessity to “opt-out”. This should include street begging, and telephone solicitations. The current telephone solicitation “opt-out” lists are preposterous. All Americans should be automatically “opted-out” unless they specifically give their permission to be called.

American Panthers has little objection to TV, Radio, Internet, U.S. Mail, Billboard, or other common advertising methods. We have to appreciate that some of these ads also help us to pay for services that we enjoy. Even a street beggar that sits on the sidewalk and plays a violin with a donation cup nearby is not what I would call an in-your-face solicitation. They cross the line, however, if they walk up to individuals to make any kind of statement.

I am not dismissing the adverse effect on neighborhood quality that this may have. Issues involving neighborhood quality and the protection of children from adult-themed advertising are more difficult to address because many of the specific issues boil down to matters of opinion. Make no mistake about it, however, the rights of residents to acceptable quality, and the rights of parents to screen adult oriented ads from their children, are rights on a par with the right to free speech.

While I’m at it, I might mention that all of those erectile dysfunction ads in the daytime go a little too far, even for a liberal. Can’t they just restrict those ads to the times when children are sleeping?

It cannot be accepted that it is a First Amendment right to be allowed to make these kinds of solicitations. The person who is being solicited also has rights. The right to be left alone to pursue one’s happiness must supercede any perceived First Amendment right of free speech that may belong to the solicitor.

Despite the above, I am still a proud, card-carrying, member, of the ACLU. I suggest that you join them, and feel free to disagree with them on selected issues.

FRIED ROOSTER #5

Those Damn Automated Phone Answering Systems

There should be a way to stop companies from instituting automated telephone systems to answer customers’ questions. Perhaps a class-action suit will work. After all, a customer’s time has to be worth something too.

These systems hardly ever get to the question that you want to ask and they force y ou to sit through sales pitches and unwanted information while you are waiting. The systems have a way of not telling you how to get out of the computerized loop to get to a real operator. If you finally figure it out it can still take a long time to get to a real person on the line. Everyone has heard the big lie: “All of our operators are currently busy. Your call is very important to us. Please hold for the next available operator”. Then you get music and more advertisements before one of their highly understaffed customer service people finally asks “How can I help you?” Tell her that she can help by shooting the executive who decided to install their automated answering system.

LHS

FRIED ROOSTER #6

Proselytizing

Proselytizing is the act of trying to convert others to your own beliefs. To me the act implies that the proselytizer feels he is wiser and knows better than the person he is trying to convert. This attitude is, at the very least, insulting. It can also be extremely intrusive if the proselytizer is able to get the ear of other peoples children. Personally, I have always found the hauteur of proselytizers to be extremely irritating. I would hope that proselytizing could be added to the group of actions that are now considered to be politically incorrect.

LHS

FRIED ROOSTER #7

The Proliferation of Gambling

Apparently, Internet gambling is a huge business that is still rapidly expanding. While I have no objection to gambling, and, in fact, I do enjoy my occasional visits to Las Vegas, I think that all Americans should be concerned for those individuals who will see their lives ruined by it.

The laws against internet gambling are simply not enforced. When laws are not enforced, disrespect is encouraged and individuals in the legal community are given the opportunity to selectively enforce the law against those that they may be unable to prosecute for other infractions. I firmly believe that laws should be made to be enforced, and if they are not enforceable, or if for some reason it is unwise to enforce them, then those laws should be taken off the books.

Gambling is clearly dangerous for some people. Ubiquitous lottery ads urge people to make long shot bets to change their lives for the better. The frustrated poor are tempted to gamble their much-needed money. People vulnerable to the temptation of gambling have it thrown in their face whether they are out shopping or simply watching television at home. Lotteries have become a way of life in America, sanctioned by governments and the business community. Gambling has lost its unsavory stigma, with no reversal in sight. The slogan “You can’t win it if you’re not in it” glorifies the lottery without any hint that it has its very dangerous side. Advertisements for internet gambling tout the fun, adventure and ease of gambling from the safety of ones’ own home. And, in case you’re wondering, advertising an illegal activity is not illegal if certain easy loopholes are taken advantage of.

Since we cannot stop internet gaming, the next best thing to do is to legalize it so that it can be better regulated. This, however, will not protect our vulnerable citizenry from their own weaknesses.

There are plenty or warnings about drinking or smoking. Anyone who does not know that smoking, or excessive drinking is dangerous to their health must live on some other planet. There are also plenty of self-help products and organizations for these addicts. As far a gambling is concerned, this kind of help has lagged far behind the proliferation of the activity. With the spread of gambling, it must become the job of the government to warn its citizenry of the dangers and to support organizations on a local level to counsel those in need. People must be taught that it is the businessmen, and governments who run gambling operations that make the money, and the gamblers that lose it.

LHS

LHS

FRIED ROOSTER #8

Too Much Choice at the Grocery

Did your wife (or someone) ever send you to the supermarket to pick up some Excedrin, or something like it? Did you end up feeling like an idiot? I did.

Was I supposed to get gelcaps, capsules or tablets? Was I supposed to get migraine or sinus? Was I supposed to get regular, extra strength or maximum strength? Was I supposed to get daytime or nighttime? Was I supposed to get strawberry, chocolate, spice or f—king blueberry?

Merchants long ago realized that they could sell more product if they could control more shelf space. So they introduced a proliferation of sizes, flavors and other variations. In how many different sizes, and dispenser types can you buy your ketchup? In how many flavors can your buy your underarm deodorant? It has all gotten to be pretty annoying.

The problem is that I cannot think of any rule or regulation that would eliminate only the useless variations. Add this to the fact that regulation of commerce almost always has unforeseen consequences, and we are forced to admit that there is no way out of this dizzying array of choices. Perhaps the consumer will rebel, and just stop buying products that use this method to dominate shelf space. Otherwise, we just have to live with Excedrin, nighttime, migraine, capsules, economy size, extra strength, raspberry!

LHS

FRIED ROOSTER #9

I'm Tired of Hearing How Smart the Enemy Is!

Suicide bombing should not be confused with rocket science. Hiding in the mountains should not be confused with modern military tactics. It does not take an Einstein to scoop up explosives left in the desert, combine them with a mobile-phone trigger, and create a deadly IED. The Terrorists and the Iraqi insurgents are using only predictable, obvious, and low-tech warfare to defeat the United States. To whatever degree you would credit them with success, it is due to the incompetence of the Bush Administration. It is not a contest over who can outsmart whom, but a contest of which side is less dumb!

The same is true for the neocon program to capture control of the United States. Their tactics work. Americans are afraid not to say that they “Support our Troops”, or not to cheer when some jerk yells “God Bless America”. Neocon intimidation tactics came from Machiavelli, George Orwell, and Adolph Hitler many years ago. They can no longer be patented.

It is a lot easier to intimidate the free press and the political opposition if you can use American taxpayers’ own money to do it. The Bushies have grabbed the financial and political power that the American people have earned for themselves, and turned it against us. The neocons can use the U.S. Treasury to buy friends and call them a “coalition”, pay for the publication of bogus news stories and keep the public in a constant state of intimidation. In spite of this, the Bush people got caught in a series of scandals that keep them on the defense, akin to Hitler’s decision to open an eastern front, or relying on his astrologist to make military decisions. First they had to wiggle out of not finding the weapons of mass destruction, then they had to bury the various torture scandals, then Valerie Plame, then Warrantless Wiretaps, then Jack Abramoff, and so on. If the Democrats had the nerve, they could have used any one of these as a reason to begin impeachment proceedings. It’s time to recall how little it took for the Republicans to begin impeachment proceedings against Clinton.

What about our more intellectual friends, the Free Press? By now they should know that their independence is threatened. We have seen how cable news has turned to the right. We have seen the New York Times intimidated into putting the Aluminum Tubes story on the front page, and its retraction deep in the paper. We also now know that The Times has been sitting on the Warrantless Wiretaps story for a year. Perhaps the injury to newsman Bob Woodruff will remind the press that war does real damage to real people, and that it is their duty to report injuries and deaths more visibly. Right now, the press does not appear to see the risk of government censorship.

Apparently genes for incompetence are not the exclusive asset of the United States. History should have taught our European allies to stand up against aggressive behavior before it becomes too late to do so peacefully. The nations of Europe are now more united politically and economically than they ever were. They are able to wield considerable influence just by loudly and clearly speaking out. They should speak out. After all, the chaos in Iraq is closer to their doorstep than it is to ours, and their population is solidly united against Bush policies.

LHS

FRIED ROOSTER #10

Curling Is Not An Olympic Sport

The vast majority of us love the winter Olympics, and for good reason. This year they’ve even added some exciting new and modern events, like snowboarding. Along with that, they have given us some new heroes like the Flying Tomato and Apolo Ohno. So, why don’t they eliminate some old dull events, like curling?

In case you’ve missed it, there is a 44-pound weight, called a “stone”, which has a handle, and is slid on the ice toward a target pattern. As it glides, there is suddenly a lot of panicky shouting, and two guys, called sweepers, (with something that looks like brooms) frantically start rubbing the ice in front of the moving stone. The game is played in the equivalent of innings, called “ends”. In each end, two players from each side throw four stones each. That comes to 16 stones per end, and there are 10 ends in each contest. That’s 160 Stones, and yes, it takes forever.

If you speak to a fan, they will tell you that the sport has a lot of strategy, complexity, tradition, excitement, style, form and grace. Sure there is form and grace, but not in the same league as a figure skater or a ski jumper. It’s not a fast sport either. There is ample time to visit the bathroom and return to your television between the time the stone is pushed and when it reaches the target.

As for excitement or danger, let’s just say that they do not have to keep ambulances nearby in case someone breaks a leg. Players never touch, let alone crash into each other. Nowadays even figure skating can be a contact sport (Remember Nancy Kerrigan?).

Curlers never jump up and spin around in the air. They never find themselves upside down, or even sideways. They never have to heroically return from injuries and play through pain.

When was the last time you heard of a curler giving up sex for three days to save his strength for the event? When have you ever heard of a curler being whipped into shape by a sadistic coach? When have you ever heard of a curler being disqualified for using steroids? When have you ever heard of a poor minority person curling his way out of the ghetto? When have you ever seen a curler sweat, or heard a curler grunt (or even swear or burp)? Have you ever seen blood on the ice?

How can you give a curler the same kind of medal that you would give a slalom skier? Gimme a break!

Oh well, I suppose I have now created a group of pissed-off curlers, and their fans, who will never join American Panthers. Sorry.

LHS

FRIED ROOSTER #11

Hats Off to Andy Rooney

In the August 2005 newsletter, under “Financial Tip of the Month” I advised against buying lottery tickets, suggesting that the odds were a rip-off and that the appeal was to people who could least afford to gamble. At the time I felt that I was standing alone, as if I was ranting and raving against motherhood and apple pie. On March 19, I found that I was not standing alone. Andy Rooney, on CBS 60 Minutes made many of the same points that I did. He even seemed to feel guilty about speaking up against the lottery when he began “I suppose it’s true that I’m too easily annoyed but…” Well, Andy, let’s not feel guilty. The lottery is a crime perpetrated by our elected officials so that they can bring in money without the stigma of having to raise taxes. Lets continue to proudly protest.

Rooney is not a grumpy curmudgeon, as his detractors would have it. He is insightful, apparently liberal, and has the guts to tell it like it is. Some weeks he is the best part of the show.

His first point is that the media present the uplifting stories about the winners, and never talk about the losers. It’s a little like Cheney wanting the press to cover the Administrations staged success stories in Iraq, and not the deaths by IEDs. As Andy says, the losers are a big story, because many of them have gambling addictions, and many are below the poverty line. For them its not “A dollar and a dream”, it’s “A dollar and a disaster”.

As far as the odds are concerned, Rooney says, “Lotteries usually pay out less than half of what is bet. It’s the worst odds of any gambling operation.”

As far as appealing to those who can least afford it, Rooney cites a National Gambling Impact Study that concludes that people who make the least, gamble the most. Another study showed that lower income people in Massachusetts spend 15 times as much on gambling as those who make a decent living.

I went to A & P the other day to return some stale peeled carrots (like you care), and had to wait behind three ladies at customer service. They were all buying lottery tickets. When I go to Krausers to buy eggs, or a paper, I have to wait behind people who are buying lottery tickets. It’s a sickness, and it is widespread and unchallenged.

We can complain about Bush and his reverse Robin Hood tax policies all we want, but both parties are responsible for promoting the lotteries, which turn out to be a way to tax the poor instead of the rich. The lottery system is outrageous and shameful but the fact that so few people care is also outrageous and shameful.

LHS

FRIED ROOSTER #12

Deceptive Advertising

Deceptive Advertising There seems to be far less scrutiny of advertising claims than ever before. Many claims are so preposterous that one can only conclude that government, and law enforcement agencies are either not looking, or just don’t care.

One guy on CNBC walks toward the camera touting “the best investment program I ever developed” and has several people testify as to how much money they made using it. “Come to a free seminar” he urges. I’ll bet that nobody gets anything from a free seminar except a sales pitch to buy something that is not free. If he really had a system to beat the market he wouldn’t have to go on TV trying to sell it. I’d love to see the police check out the accounts of his “successful” investors.

Then there is the clown who answers the question; “I can’t believe you’re retiring. How’d you do it?” “Channeling stocks dot com,” he says smugly. I just feel like hitting him in the face with a pie!

Most “make money from home” claims are phony, and many require that you give them money first.

There are a huge number of infomercials on health products. Look younger, be younger, cure any disease, eat it, rub it on, shove it in. If it sounds too good to be true, then it is!

And, what about those exercise machines? Probably any of them would work if you could stick to the regimen and eat the right foods.

Has anybody ever checked out those “no money down” house buying plans? I doubt it.

With poor government supervision, we’re all on our own. Many advertisers seem to have adapted a predatory attitude, so beware, you’re the prey.

LHS